I’m coming out. I’m going to just be me. I’ve already told him everything. “I’m attracted to her” I told my husband. Why are there so many pretty women. I cannot be around them. I’m facing my demon dressed in the most appealing manner. I know it’s perfectly acceptable. It’s also acceptable to be with the one you love. I love you! Your everything is the only one I fell in love with after countless dating. I thought I was doomed with the inability to love. To have a partner.
Filled with exhaustion and a puzzeled face he looked at me to say “should I be worried?”. About what I said.
Will you have sex, get physical, or leave me for her he asked. No, of course not. Ask me all the questions you want. I want to figure this out with you.
And after an hour of questions , answers, tears and hugs. We finished. You see I think many people are beautiful. I think many have enormous capability if watered right. I also have a weakness. I love hard. I want to love those who feel unloved. Those who are rejected, ruled out, ignored, feel invisible and I want to give them what they wish they could have. Bad. I know. Yet it’s the truth. It’s exactly how I feel.
Yet there is the key. How I feel… and feelings although great are also not trust worthy. I know I love my husband, I know I couldn’t fall in love with other people even though I tried. Even the ones who came out to me like my best friend who loved me but she never went for it. Thank you because… I couldn’t feel love for you that way.
You see when a friend shared they wanted to finally have a kiss. I asked do you want me to do it? And I would if they wanted. If my friends said they needed a hand to hold, someone to hug, an experimental kiss.. I did it. I wanted everyone to feel loved even though I never did before.
It wasn’t until I met this guy who is now my husband that I finally felt loved. And yes he knew all the stories of my choices, preference, abuse, confusion, clarity and finally love. Yet here again I’m visited by this old hell bound demon dressed in beauty. And all I wanted to do was tell him. Everything all of it regardless of what I could lose. Why?
Because I have not had anything from him. Also I don’t enjoy my mind haunting me with thoughts that provoke strain. Basically no bad vibes.
Oh you want to know how my husband felt. So are you worried, hurt, sad, scared what?! I demanded. Yeah .. I’m worried. I’ll keep checking in he said. I love you, it’s ok and your not dum. That’s what I’m here for and thanks for telling me he said. He gave me a wonderful kiss and a big hug.
Fortunately we’ve been blessed with a pretty seasoned marriage. Not easy just seasoned. our friendship, companionship, love, history and commitment makes it a lot easier to talk through things.
It hasn’t been easy. It’s all been coming slowly. All that makes me me good or bad has been slowly pacing its self to my door called life.
It’s finally arrived. ©️untappedwriter
Untapped Writer 